121 | Rituals
We recently celebrated Family Day—the anniversary of us becoming a family with Tillie through adoption. Of course there are lots of memories from those early days—some sweet because it was all so new and exciting, some bittersweet because this little girl had experienced so much loss with more to come.
The first night we were together, we were in our hotel room in Taiyuan (Shanxi, China). Andrew was reading the book “Love” by Emma Dodd to Tillie even though she couldn’t yet understand the English words. He would read in English and she would talk to him in Chinese. It was such a sweet and tender moment.
We read that book to her every night for a year. Always the last book to be read before lights out. Always with the same pattern of actions and extras that began that first night. Reading that book became a core part of our rituals of attachment and belonging—the familiarity and repetition working deeper magic on us as we became a family by forging bonds of trust and love as and not just through legal documents.
Kendra Adachi—The Lazy Genius—talks about her morning ritual as an “on ramp” for the day. I find that to be such a helpful way of understanding ritual that serves on many levels and in many facets of life. Certainly, the nightly reading of the Love book became a core part of our bedtime ritual and an on ramp for sleep made safe in a haven of deep belonging.
I think too of the ritual of liturgy as a part of Sunday worship in the Lutheran church I was part of growing up. In the midst of the weekly repetition, I didn’t appreciate how the words and music were forming me; but it’s not the worst thing that the strongest message from those years is “Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me . . .” I still value some liturgy at the start of worship. The familiar pattern--more than using the same words—helps my brain relax into the moment and draws me into the movement and rhythm of worship. Even the simple form of saying the Words of Institution before the sacrament of Communion draws me into the promise and gift of that moment.
Simple rituals can also be powerful for calming our anxieties, worries, and fears or centering us in our identity of belonging and being beloved of God. Using Kendra Adachi’s image, the rituals formed by familiar patterns of action or words, can be an on ramp to whatever emotional or physical state you are hoping to access.
What might that look like?
Putting on my headphones and starting a certain playlist when I would sit down to write a sermon. Overtime, I almost didn’t hear the music any more; but the familiar tones and melodies would transport my brain from a place of tentative anxiousness to calm centeredness.
A cup of coffee, a blanket on my lap, and the fireplace or candles on for 5 minutes of just being in the morning, which is my best on ramp to any day.
The pattern I follow when I unload and load the dishwasher. The busyness of my hands and the pattern of steps to different cupboards and drawers quiets my mind and creates space for relaxing into an audiobook or getting lost in my thoughts without an agenda.
The pattern of nightly activity that is an on ramp to sleeping well
A set of mantras or statements spoken aloud into the mirror each day affirming your identity as beloved, capable, strong, compassionate, free . . .
A word or phrase that you invoke in a stressful or triggering moment or situation that reminds you of how you want to be or respond as your best self
Flirting or foreplay or gentle touch or laughing with your beloved . . .
Patterns of preparation or cleanup for special events, seasons, or daily life
Anything that guides you from one physical or emotional state to a more desired one
Reflection Questions
What rituals that are already a part of your life rhythm do you find especially helpful or meaning-making?
In what situations do you regularly experience stress, anxiousness, worry or fear? What simple ritual might you develop to serve as an on ramp to a more centered, peace-filled response?
