035 | Melancholy at Christmas

It’s the day of Christmas Eve and I’m feeling a little melancholy. I know some of it is disappointment at not getting done what I I envisioned before Christmas, but I have consciously heeded my own advice. These last few days I have been cultivating sanctuary by choosing to focus on what was essential and what allowed for rest. ⁣

⁣One of my unfinished items is my last 7 Days of Finishing project in the mudroom. The change in scope is part of why it is unfinished—and that it’s Christmas week. I did make progress. I have a clear plan so I will be ready to pick it up (literally and metaphorically) next week. I decided to give myself grace. After all, even God rested on the seventh day. 😇⁣

⁣The biggest reason for my melancholy is grief. I’ve felt it brewing, but it coalesced this morning. It is Christmas—my last as a pastor at Incarnation—and I am missing my beloved community. I miss the energy and anticipation of this day as all things pointed toward worship and the community gathered. I get that we are “a church without walls”—a beautiful reminder in these days of separation; but we are also a community of people. It is not the sanctuary that makes Christmas special, but those who gather therein for a shared experience of worship, blessing one another by our presence and being blessed in return. ⁣

⁣It is also real that I have already led in person worship at Incarnation for the last time. I love, love, love leading worship. I’m grieving that I won’t again stand in that space filled with people saying “The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all,” receiving in return “and also with you.” I’ve known this in my brain, but it’s finally sinking into my heart and spirit.⁣

⁣This morning I am creating space for renewal by allowing myself to feel these very real feelings. As I do so, I comforted by the birds on the feeder. Their resilience after yesterday’s blizzard is breathtaking. As I anticipate the day, I know the melancholy will not prevail, but will be joined by hope and peace, and, dare I say, joy at the coming of our Savior. ⁣

Stay tuned...⁣